The Loneliness

The Loneliness, you get that – right?  Just from that one statement, you KNOW what I am talking about. The loneliness that lingers, that is constantly there, lurking. Regardless of who is around you, the constant under current of loneliness is present. Before I acknowledged my New Humaness, I believed that my loneliness was something that needed to be “fixed”, it was evidence that something was wrong with me. From as early as Grade School, I was desperate to fit in. I could and often did assume the personalities of those around me.  I did anything to feel like I was a part of the group. Yet, regardless of what that was,I could always feel the loneliness. Even in my mid 40’s I must be mindful of my ability to mimic to fit in.  If I am not careful, I will start speaking in the same accents, use the same mannerisms, or adopt the same humor of those around me.  Especially if I want them to include me.  Yep, even at 45 -I struggle with this.

In my quest to fix this part of myself, I have seen many therapists, taken many different types of drugs, and have tried to apply so many self-help techniques I can’t count them all. And it was always still there.  So I shamed it down, and numbed it out.  Over consumption of food, wine, and technology, tried that too. (Hell, I still can fall into this trap) And it’s still there. Amazingly you would never know this silent struggle.  I am the living embodiment of duality.  For all the heaviness, there is equal lightness.  There is an equal amount of joy and peace as to depression and anxiety.  One night I can be the life of the party having a blast and the next day I need complete solitude. One week I will be active with lunches, coffees, and shopping dates with girlfriends, and then will need so much quiet I will put my phone on do not disturb for days.Both feelings are completely authentic and the “real me.”My journey to accepting them both as the real me has been a long one.

But what is the loneliness and why is it always there?  Well quite frankly it’s there because I need it, and I have come it to experience it. Yes,this is an oversimplified answer that infuriates me. But I must accept it as Truth. Before my Soul agreed to come to Earth as an Incarnation, It had never experienced the feeling of separation. It only knew the loving connection of Oneness. This is My Soul’s first-time experiencing loneliness, so oh boy, am I going to FEEL it in everything. My Soul needs it to better understand the Human Experience. That’s why I am here, to experience what it is to be Human, and nothing is more Human than the duality of light and dark. Unfortunately, we don’t really learn lessons from lightness.  We need the absence of light to move through our curriculum. That is why we incarnate on this Earth Plain.  It’s the only way we can truly experience the curriculum required for our Soul’s growth. Our Human Vessels serve as the required vehicle for our Soul’s movement.

While I really wish my Soul could achieve the feeling of separation through other avenues. Or ideally, not at all. I am accepting that the loneliness I have attempted to fix will always be there.  It will never go away.  But my relationship with it can change.  I can accept it, Buy Into it, embrace its importance in my Soul’s development. I can unravel the shame I have wrapped it in and allow it to be a part of this existence. I can allow it to be another layer of my rich duality. For as connected as I feel, there will also be the equal amount separation.  The key, as with all things, to find the balance between the two. I wish it was as simple as the sounds.

                                                                                                         XOXO – PJo

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