The Loneliness

The Loneliness, you get that – right?  Just from that one statement, you KNOW what I am talking about. The loneliness that lingers, that is constantly there, lurking. Regardless of who is around you, the constant under current of loneliness is present. Before I acknowledged my New Humaness, I believed that my loneliness was something that needed to be “fixed”, it was evidence that something was wrong with me. From as early as Grade School, I was desperate to fit in. I could and often did assume the personalities of those around me.  I did anything to feel like I was a part of the group. Yet, regardless of what that was,I could always feel the loneliness. Even in my mid 40’s I must be mindful of my ability to mimic to fit in.  If I am not careful, I will start speaking in the same accents, use the same mannerisms, or adopt the same humor of those around me.  Especially if I want them to include me.  Yep, even at 45 -I struggle with this.

In my quest to fix this part of myself, I have seen many therapists, taken many different types of drugs, and have tried to apply so many self-help techniques I can’t count them all. And it was always still there.  So I shamed it down, and numbed it out.  Over consumption of food, wine, and technology, tried that too. (Hell, I still can fall into this trap) And it’s still there. Amazingly you would never know this silent struggle.  I am the living embodiment of duality.  For all the heaviness, there is equal lightness.  There is an equal amount of joy and peace as to depression and anxiety.  One night I can be the life of the party having a blast and the next day I need complete solitude. One week I will be active with lunches, coffees, and shopping dates with girlfriends, and then will need so much quiet I will put my phone on do not disturb for days.Both feelings are completely authentic and the “real me.”My journey to accepting them both as the real me has been a long one.

But what is the loneliness and why is it always there?  Well quite frankly it’s there because I need it, and I have come it to experience it. Yes,this is an oversimplified answer that infuriates me. But I must accept it as Truth. Before my Soul agreed to come to Earth as an Incarnation, It had never experienced the feeling of separation. It only knew the loving connection of Oneness. This is My Soul’s first-time experiencing loneliness, so oh boy, am I going to FEEL it in everything. My Soul needs it to better understand the Human Experience. That’s why I am here, to experience what it is to be Human, and nothing is more Human than the duality of light and dark. Unfortunately, we don’t really learn lessons from lightness.  We need the absence of light to move through our curriculum. That is why we incarnate on this Earth Plain.  It’s the only way we can truly experience the curriculum required for our Soul’s growth. Our Human Vessels serve as the required vehicle for our Soul’s movement.

While I really wish my Soul could achieve the feeling of separation through other avenues. Or ideally, not at all. I am accepting that the loneliness I have attempted to fix will always be there.  It will never go away.  But my relationship with it can change.  I can accept it, Buy Into it, embrace its importance in my Soul’s development. I can unravel the shame I have wrapped it in and allow it to be a part of this existence. I can allow it to be another layer of my rich duality. For as connected as I feel, there will also be the equal amount separation.  The key, as with all things, to find the balance between the two. I wish it was as simple as the sounds.

                                                                                                         XOXO – PJo

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It’s Shitty but Sacred

There is this weird thing happening in spiritual circles.  Or let me preface, a weird thing happening in the Social Media spiritual circles. And that weirdness is that healing is being marketed as this beautiful and pretty thing.  We have been sold a highly filtered version of healing. We are being taught about healing from people who are so perfectly curated we have no idea who they really are and what they are currently healing.  Cause let me tell you – if you have set the intention to heal  – you will always be healin’ somethin’!

I am so tired of that image of beautiful peaceful healing.  Of praying it away and …poof…it’s away. Offering only the result of your personal healing but hiding the process of the healing.  A former teacher of mine taught me that you shouldn’t process in public.  That it will hurt your credibility. To only speak to it once you could package it in sell-able content.

I’m tired of monetizing healing. Full transparency, I have had to set with this.  Is that what I am doing with my blog and my business? But I’ve reconciled it by setting the intention of always showing up exactly where I am and openly showing my process.  We don’t praise the process, and we only praise the outcome if it is favorable. Well, I’m here to do it differently. I’m here to do it the way I need to see it. Why? Because there have been many times that I have felt utterly alone in my healing. Like I must be doing something wrong because so and so influencer makes it look so easy. I don’t want to live in that world. I believe the way forward is to be different. Here is Truth of my experience of healing. It is Shitty – and it is Sacred.  There have been and will be times that I am so *IN IT* that snot is literally running down my face, and all rational thought is nowhere to been found. Times that I have purged my guts into the toilet because I have resisted the release for too long.  Or times that I have been so angry that I flip folks off for merely existing. How about the time that I made my Mother in Law cry on the sidewalk because I was resisting placing boundaries?  Yep – that IS ALL PART OF HEALING!!  When we are at our shittiest, that is when the potential for healing is the greatest.  When you truly set the intention to heal, you will be given all the opportunities you need to heal. And Toots, those opportunities do not come in an Amazon box.  They come on the sidewalk with your MIL, or when snot is running down your face, or when you are having a meltdown. Those are the magical moments.  They are Shitty, but they are Sacred.

                                                                                                         XOXO – PJo

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Dudes In Big Trucks

I have beef with Dudes in Big Trucks. 

I bet you know the Dudes I am talking about. The ones that use their trucks to impose their will onto you.  Are you or traffic moving slower than they want to go? They simply drive as close to you as possible to “help” push you and traffic along.  Are weather or road conditions tricky? Whatever,they’re in a truck.They drive fast and aggressively.  Why, because they are the biggest, baddest and obviously the most important thing on the road. I have driven across the country several times and nationwide it’s the same. They cut you off, speed pass, and ride your ass. Ugh – Dudes in Trucks!!!   I currently live in an odd area where rural meets metro, so plenty of trucks.  All sorts of ‘em. Trucks with weirdly aggressive dumper stickers, new shiny trucks that cost the same as a down payment for a house, alongside trucks with farm use tags and cattle guards. 

And in complete frustration with their existence – I flip all of them off. (by my leg, of course…I’m not an asshole) So when I say I have beef…I have completely irrational BEEF!

I also have beef with the Dudes that won’t move for you. They just get to walk, and like Moses in the Red Sea, the crowd magically parts for them. Can you imagine as a Female, that EVER happening? Ugh – DUDES! Am’ma Right?(eyeroll)

Okay…so maybe…I have beef with Dudes.

OR – do I have beef with the pass society gives their Big-ness. We reward them based on the Space they take up. Their worthiness is enhanced by that space, while women are penalized for it.

Personally, the origin point of my Dude Beef, is my desire to take up as much space as I damn well please but am afraid too. Yuck, that feels gross to say out loud.  It would be way easier to blame my feelings on Dudes or Society…but unfortunately, they aren’t responsible for My Feelings. (insert self-effacing eye roll here)

I am a very bright light, and when I was growing up…I was conditioned that my brightness was waaaaay too much. I was too emotional, too talkative, too dramatic. I knew all the ways I was too much, but I didn’t really know the ways I was enough. So I had this really weird battle of feeling like I was too much and not enough at the same time.  I have done so much work unravelling these binds, I seriously thought I was free from them.  But then I started flipping off Dudes in Trucks and I knew something was up. When I started to look, I could see all the places in my life I am holding myself back. When I allowed myself to feel, I can feel the constriction of self-imposed bines. They say: “Be Smaller.”“Be an acceptable version of you.”“Tuck in the crazy.”“Make people like you.”When I ground down into Truth, I can see that this is coming up because I have committed to living an authentic life, so I am being shown all the ways I am not living in authenticity.And it feels like a total gut punch.

I hate this. And if I could hide it, I would. Hell, I have for years. But as I surrender and buy into this Human Experience, this is exactly the stuff I must address. My Soul, My Human is BIG and I must unravel the bines that try to confine them. I can look at those Dudes in those Trucks as an example of how to be.(WHAT??? Did you see that coming?)Spoiler Alert, my anger is not with them, it’s that they are living the freedom I deeply desire but withhold from myself. My anger is that they are not afraid of the impact they make, and I am terrified of the impact I have the potential of making.I am setting with that.  I am asking for Guidance around this. I pray that burden is magically taken from me. And what I receive is that I must give myself permission to be as BIG as I want to be. I must reclaim the things that bring Me joy.I must do and say the things that scare me. And the me that bound us up, needsa whole lotta love. Cause she is scared shit-less right now. We both are.

                                                                                                                                       XOXO – PJo

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